Wednesday, June 23, 2004
To be a Republican
It's been awhile so here's some light reading. Speaking of light, you know how in physics it's been determined that light is both a particle and a wave? It has a dual existence. Same thing with Republicans in America.
It’s hard to be a Republican in 2004 because you somehow believe...
1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
13. It is okay that the Bush family has done $millions of business with the Bin Laden family.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's Harken Oil stock trades are none of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which mean Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '60s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
I'll be here all week. Thank you and goodnight.
It’s hard to be a Republican in 2004 because you somehow believe...
1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
13. It is okay that the Bush family has done $millions of business with the Bin Laden family.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's Harken Oil stock trades are none of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which mean Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '60s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
I'll be here all week. Thank you and goodnight.
